May 8, 2022 | 7 Iyar 5782 | Washington, DC
G-d willing, we are here and the world has not faltered to this day.
Today is Mother’s Day in the United States of America. Families are gathered everywhere celebrating the beauty and joy of motherhood. Some reminisce about their mother’s or mother figures who are no longer with us. Others send flowers or bring them directly to their mother’s and everything is filled with a beautiful aura. In our times of social media, everyone is sharing photos with their mothers or of their mothers. Many mothers, especially the ones with young children, are sharing their joy of motherhood in videos of their children or beautifully photographed family photos with their children. I have noticed all these posts.
I spoke with my beautiful mother this morning. She shared about the flowers she received from her son and grandson. My mother blessed me to feel joy and peace. During this brief conversation with her, I could not bring myself even once to say “Happy Mother’s Day mom.” I know that I tell her that I love her often, and I love her more than anyone in my life, but today is the first Mother’s Day, I cannot bring myself to feel the joy for others.
I have always wanted to be a mother. Circumstances caused me to delay my pursuit of a relationship and later everything turned out in a way that I am alone; even though, it was not my choice. So here I am today, my sister is getting ready and packing for her work trip to California while I sit here and write about myself and about all of us who are on the same page. I know there are many of us on this narrow path choosing goodness and kindness to be happy for others while our hearts are breaking.
I am fortunate to have the world’s best mom, and I stand by what I say. My mom has my father, and I wish them only goodness and heavenly blessings on top of all of the physical blessings they have here on earth. They deserve my bow and my love. Seeing them and hearing their blessings gives me hope that one day, G-d willing, I too will be blessed with a husband and children – a family of my own.
This Mother’s Day is different. My heart aches for those women like myself who wanted and could never be mothers and for those who are yet to be mother’s as they are diligently working on getting there. My heart aches for all women who were never chosen and asked for a hand in marriage. My heart aches that we have to conceal ourselves to feel the joy and pride of other mothers.
Until today, all Mother’s Days have brought me joy. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing families with their children out and about every Mother’s Day. I always thought that every girl deserves to be a woman in her own home. Every woman deserves motherhood if she so wishes. I still feel all of these things and wish for those things, but today is the first Mother’s Day that I want to escape from. I do not deserve to see the joy of others unless I utter a blessing even in my silence. Consequently on my morning walk today, I deliberately left my glasses at home so that my eyes would see less. This way, I noticed less and allowed my heart and soul to be at ease. I do not want to sin inside of my soul and say something I cannot take back. It is a battle with a consuming war inside my spirit, but I will come out victorious in the end.
I wish all girls and women the strength to go through today.
May my G-d be your Healer beauties. May my G-d arrange for your time to come to become a mother, and if that time is never to be for you, may my G-d be your partner and may His embrace comfort you as that is the only comfort I know from this pain. May love and peace be around you to deliver good and positive energy to you, and then through you back to this world. Whatever you do and wherever you go, may you trust our Creator to be a cornerstone as He carries you to a higher level of understanding and wisdom.
This Mother’s Day, I am choosing to ruminate through my writing until a time when Hashem will arrange for me to stand next to the one who will choose me to have a family with.
Until next time my loyal readers.