Atonement

Washington DC

G-d willing, we are here and the world has not faltered to this day.

Ever since last summer, I have remained in the state of atonement. I do not know why. I have examined my inner thoughts, reached into the depths of my heart, searched inside of my soul and now I am testing my spirit. Through all of this, I remain in the state of seeking mercy and G-d’s forgiveness. Perhaps G-d sought and found one good side in me and will have mercy on my soul or perhaps by mercy of G-d my soul will be redeemed even as it is?

By no means am I a perfect person. I do not follow G-d’s laws religiously, but I have remained in the state of brokenheartedness for many years. It is only recently I realized that G-d is close to the brokenhearted. My heart breaks for all the evil in this world to a point that I have to hide myself away from all the emotions. With each year around the sun, this feeling becomes stronger, and I find myself searching for answers to questions I did not even know I had. My true desire is to find peace and to be comforted.

Once upon a time I believed that if all people chose to be good, then the world would be like Gan Eden at the very beginning. Then one day I realized that sometimes even my good turns out to be bad.  Ever since then, I continue to contemplate this subject of good that turns bad and found that there are two kinds of good and only one kind of evil. Good that is good and good that turns bad are both good, but evil is unaltered and remains evil in each case. Evil will always be evil and will lurk around until it will reveal itself in another way.

So I noticed that the same tests that I had once passed now come around in full force testing everything about me, through-and-through, shaking even the foundation. Did I abide by my own principles or did I scratch them in the moment of pain? While the principles I held dear remained, I saw myself in another light. Did my principles become stumbling stones on my narrow path or did they guide me until today? I examine everything. What is my truth and what is the truth in the stories of the people where I am a villain? Are any of these actions good or good that turns into bad or is there any point in time either I or my adversary exercised evil? All are very valid questions, but my answers are not satisfactory. 

How will I attain peace and comfort this inquisitive heart then? The answer is not so simple. Every past action towards me or against me and my reaction in return have become my additional adversary. Memories are like a constant earthquake with thunder and lightning while trauma is like a misty fog and a torrential rain combined with a winter storm. In my daily life, I made it an effort to experience all natural acts and found that the world has not faltered. Through these physical experiences I draw hope that the same can be concluded in my spirit. 

When my spirit fell in me, I carried myself and nurtured until I was well. Now that I am fully formed and reached maturity, I fear that the child in me has departed leaving me to battle in a new war. Peace is nowhere near me. On one hand it is easier because I matured and let go of everything quickly, on the other hand, I easily write off what bothers me and remotely opens my wounds. With all of this, I keep going knowing that it will not always be like this. 

Peace is a state of mind and can be obtained easily.

Thank you for reading, dear readers.